Letter to the Pawrents
Both Burt and I have noticed that during the last few weeks mum seems not to be going out much as all though we do love you both very much and enjoy spending time with you, this is interfering without our usual routines. Mum keeps talking to the 2 TVs she has in the other room and we can hear lots of strange voices coming out of those TVs. (we’ll talk to you separately about that later dad because we are worried about mum, talking to the TV when she should be talking to us)
We have discussed this at length, and both feel that it is about time that we introduced some new ground rules for her while she is at home and dad for you on your days off.
We really would appreciate it if you would follow these rules at all times while you are at home.
Treats - you appear to be eating lots of nice treats throughout the day, we would not want you to put on any pounds and it is only fair to say we also deserve to benefit from such treats, and we really want to test that they are safe for you to eat. Therefore, we feel that we are entitled to 50% or at least a fair share of the said treats and you must agree, otherwise we will sit in front of you and quietly stare at you until we get our way.
Bathing & Haircuts – We work very hard at building up our unique scent, it is not easy finding the right patch to roll on while out on our daily walk. We are clean now, so please do not call us for a bath or chase us around the garden with water just because you might think we need it.
May I suggest instead, you go out and clean that big red metal box on the driveway that scares Burt, I know it is shiny and hasn’t moved much recently but Burt says is smells much worse than he has ever done, even when he has his favourite roll in the mud.
Before you get any ideas, we face-timed with cousins Rio and Ben last night and the ordeal that they have been through with the home furcuts is just appalling so remember we don’t need to have furcuts mum, if you want to practice on dad we will watch from the garden, perhaps with a treat or two.
Opening the door -As mum is at home, we feel that it is only fair that while she disrupts our routine, we should be able to go outside whenever we choose, even if this disrupts her talking to that TV thingy. Therefore, mum must agree to open the back door and let us out into the garden whenever we want. It does not matter that we may only just have come back in, there may be a blade of grass that we missed while we were out, so we need to go back outside and check and with any luck there may be one last flower that needs digging up.
Barking – We feel that it is very unfair of mum to Shhhhh us or as she did the other day tell us to stop talking, I mean barking. Surely mum must understand that we have to keep her safe and as she is at home more now our job just got more serious. It is our duty to tell the birds to get off the grass, check that the leaves blowing past the window are not a threat to mum, let the neighbours know we can make louder noises than their small humans, warn off anyone who dares to walk down OUR street. We have to listen out for any slight noise and warn you just in case there is any threat, you know we don’t ask you to stop talking mum on that TV thingy while we are having a little nap and our job just got that little bit harder guarding you and dad all day every day.
Sleeping arrangement – Now we know that we have our own beds and even our own snuggle chair. Both Burt and I would like you to know that during the day wherever we choose to lie we are not to be disturbed. If that is on your feet you must not move, expect us to move or wake us up. Mum if I need to climb onto your lap while you are talking to that TV thingy then you must let me, it is very important that I can check whether I need to bark, sorry I mean tell anyone off, they may be a threat.
You must not move us from the sofa while we sleep even if that means you cannot sit in comfort dad when you come home from work, remember we have been busy all day keeping mum safe from the leaves, neighbours, insects and grass and helping her eat those delicious treats so you must agree we deserve some comfort and rest.
We are moving to some very important rules now so please take your time and read these carefully.
Possession is 100% of the law. While you are in the kitchen If anything falls onto the floor, it is mine (or Burt’s if he can get there quicker than me).
If we manage to get hold of any clothing, shoes, tea towels or any other item in the house, while it is in my mouth or Burt’s it ours so don’t be chasing u around the garden to try and get it back, unless you can offer a more appealing treat instead. If the kitchen bin were to accidentally fall over, anything in it is ours.
Leaving the room. Do not try to sneak out of any room, we have a right to follow you wherever you go. If you have not told us where you are going and how long you will be and bribed us with a treat, even if it is just to go upstairs, we have a right to shout for you until you reappear. Do not try to close any doors including the toilet or bathroom door, while you are at home, where you go, we go.
Other dogs. Dad, we are really sad we have to remind you about this, especially with that social distancing thing going on, but we feel we have to say it again, under no circumstances can you ever come home smelling of other dogs, while we are out walking if another dog comes over to play with us, you must keep 2 metres away and let us do our thing. Under no circumstances can you stroke the other dog or speak to it.
Tennis Balls and other toys. As we are not attending doggie daycare and haven’t been for a few weeks now, we would like you to plan some enrichment games for us. Anything that involves sniffing out a treat is good, we like playing what’s in the box where we can open parcels with treats in and we both appreciate that mum has let us continue to do that with anything that has come through the letterbox, although she didn’t look too happy when we opened the last letters that came through, but neither were we when we found out there was the only paper in there. We require you to throw balls, play tug and include toys with loud squeaks, it is not acceptable for you to expect us to play in the garden and amuse ourselves, you need to join us as well.
Morning routine. We are just letting you know that we will continue to serve as your alarm clock with a wakeup call at 04:15 am daily, we still expect to go out for our walk at 5 am every day as usual, just because mum has not left the house, that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t and we know you won’t forget, but breakfast at 4.30 is still good for us.
If you have any problems with these new rules, both Burt and I would like to remind you that our ears are purely ornamental and only work when we want them to, but please feel free to keep stroking them to encourage them to work.
Lots of love
Lilly xxx & Burt x