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Letter to the Pawrents

Dear Pawrents

Both Burt and I have noticed that during the last few weeks mum seems not to be going out much as all though we do love you both very much and enjoy spending time with you, this is interfering without our usual routines. Mum keeps talking to the 2 TVs she has in the other room and we can hear lots of strange voices coming out of those TVs. (we’ll talk to you separately about that later dad because we are worried about mum, talking to the TV when she should be talking to us)

We have discussed this at length, and both feel that it is about time that we introduced some new ground rules for her while she is at home and dad for you on your days off.

We really would appreciate it if you would follow these rules at all times while you are at home.

  1. Treats - you appear to be eating lots of nice treats throughout the day, we would not want you to put on any pounds and it is only fair to say we also deserve to benefit from such treats, and we really want to test that they are safe for you to eat. Therefore, we feel that we are entitled to 50% or at least a fair share of the said treats and you must agree, otherwise we will sit in front of you and quietly stare at you until we get our way.

  2. Bathing & Haircuts – We work very hard at building up our unique scent, it is not easy finding the right patch to roll on while out on our daily walk. We are clean now, so please do not call us for a bath or chase us around the garden with water just because you might think we need it.

May I suggest instead, you go out and clean that big red metal box on the driveway that scares Burt, I know it is shiny and hasn’t moved much recently but Burt says is smells much worse than he has ever done, even when he has his favourite roll in the mud.

Before you get any ideas, we face-timed with cousins Rio and Ben last night and the ordeal that they have been through with the home furcuts is just appalling so remember we don’t need to have furcuts mum, if you want to practice on dad we will watch from the garden, perhaps with a treat or two.

  1. Opening the door -As mum is at home, we feel that it is only fair that while she disrupts our routine, we should be able to go outside whenever we choose, even if this disrupts her talking to that TV thingy. Therefore, mum must agree to open the back door and let us out into the garden whenever we want. It does not matter that we may only just have come back in, there may be a blade of grass that we missed while we were out, so we need to go back outside and check and with any luck there may be one last flower that needs digging up.

  2. Barking – We feel that it is very unfair of mum to Shhhhh us or as she did the other day tell us to stop talking, I mean barking. Surely mum must understand that we have to keep her safe and as she is at home more now our job just got more serious. It is our duty to tell the birds to get off the grass, check that the leaves blowing past the window are not a threat to mum, let the neighbours know we can make louder noises than their small humans, warn off anyone who dares to walk down OUR street. We have to listen out for any slight noise and warn you just in case there is any threat, you know we don’t ask you to stop talking mum on that TV thingy