Hearing is having the luxury of understanding the worlds vast and unique vibrations, listening is interpreting those vibrations into a voice that needs to be heard, I want my voice to be heard.
Some time ago when I first moved into my home with ubu I was going through a very dark patch in my life and because of that I usually had no control, no choice in what decisions were made about me. Of course I know they were in my best interest now but back then I was seething with anger, hatred and sadness, I just wanted my life my way, or the way I thought I wanted it.
With my emotions unable to be bottled up anymore I spiralled out of control, I became a ‘high risk’ whatever that means. My college work was impacted, the small relationships I had built were being destroyed, I couldn’t even go to the local shops anymore! It wasn’t just everyone around me that made my blood boil it was also myself. This train wreck in the mirror that was my reflection, I hated it, I screamed for hours on end at it hoping it would go away. But it just didn’t.
I realised that I couldn’t do this alone, I needed help and reached out to my enabling team. They were all ears and had been listening the whole time, I just needed to show them that I was ready to step forward in the direction of my new future. I began having a break from the busy lifestyle I was living, space when I needed it, support when I needed it and then when I was ready I could express what I was feeling and we would dissect it! This was something that gradually overtime made me feel at one with myself, my own personality began to grow where there was once a dark mass.
For years the way I felt affected how I would dress, sleep and even speak but no more! I decorated my bedroom the way I wanted, dressed the way I wanted, brushed my hair the way I wanted, you get the picture! This monster I thought I was started to fade away like a bad dream and I started to become the true me.
Moving into the future I now have an adopted donkey that I feed and walk every week and I absolutely love it, I also keep a scrapbook with all my achievements, likes and fears. Some may wonder why I keep something like that and it’s because it’s part of my identity, what makes me, me! I hope to soon be able to travel to the shops and local bakery by myself so I can begin recovering my independence, I won’t ever step moving forward and one day I’ll have my very own flat, but as they say I should take it one step at a time…….though I don’t know if that’s my way yet!
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